So, I’m not sure how to say this. I’m not even sure if it’s a thing that needs to be said a certain way. Alright here, we go.

My mum has cancer.

The biggest reason I struggle saying this out loud* is because I don’t want to change my perception of my mum. She has always been, and always will be, the strongest person I know. She is not a victim or a patient, despite how much the world will try and tell her she is. I know she is, literally, a patient but her identity will never lie within that. She will continue to be the person she is, and that person is pretty freaking amazing. That will not change.

*Or in writing, which feels very much the same right now.

Maybe I’m just writing this to convince myself. In fact, I’m 94% sure I’m just writing this to convince myself. There is a small, scared child within me who just needs someone (preferably James Blunt or Gordon Ramsay, my childhood heroes) to tell me everything is going to stay the same.

But that’s not true. Things are going to change. And maybe that’s not a bad thing? I’ve always believed that change is a fundamentally positive thing, with eventual positive outcomes. I’m praying, and crossing every single finger and toe, that this is a fundamentally-positive-with-an-eventual-positive-outcome sort of change.

I’m sure I don’t need to say this but me writing this post does in no way mean I’m 100% okay right now. I feel broken and terrified of this world that can so easily deal out heartbreak as it can joy. Writing on this blog is the best method I have of working through how I’m feeling, even better than writing in my diary whilst crying and drinking wine*.

*I know! Hard to believe but somehow true.

So…that’s about it. Nothing much more, nothing much less. I felt I had to share this as writing any subsequent post would feel like lying if I didn’t. I’m still the same Lily, I reckon. I still ramble on about irrelevant things (and usually edit them out), I still choose the colour pink over any other colour without question, and I still overthink.

Off-topic note:

I’ve decided to try writing a series of blog posts, loosely structured within the ‘How To’ genre. I say ‘loosely’ because I’ve never been able to stay on topic in my posts and don’t plan on changing that anytime soon. Despite their misleading titles, these ‘How To’s will not be particularly instructional, rather they will be accounts of how I, personally, cope with situations. Please send me some suggestions for potential topics!